Him </3

Hell never read this but I guess Its okay... Just wanted to say thank you for these three or four amazing months. Yes I know we did have rough patches but we fixed them and became closer in the process. I still rememeber the first hello. I still remember the first time you stayed after school with Erica and I. I was shy but you got my weirdness out of me. That's the side I really don't show around someone I like but with you it was different.... Then on March 28 it all started to begin. You were dating one of my friends and I started to like you. I had to lie to her saying I like Kenny. But in my head it was you... Then we started to text and talk more.. you always had touch me and the times where you always said " I feel like people are watching us". Or the first note you took after from Erica when we got out detention and of course thats the note that said I liked you. My face was red and I kept hiding it.. the next day Brandon and Devan was telling people we fucked lol. I remember the pictures that Erica took of us.. Haha when it qas fhe background to our phones and we were.trying so hard to hide it from Megin. Or the bet who ever becomes friends with Megin first had to tell that person their feelings and kissed them. I lost of course. I never really told you all my feelings. But on April 25 you kept talking and talking. I kissed you and you were in shock didnt know what to say or do. Saying it wasnt fair because you were talking but in reality you stopped and looked at my lips. And besides I had to kiss you I lost a bet. But either way I think I would have kissed you because your lips were mocking mine and I just wanted to kiss you. Then the next day at lunch you and I were just staring at each other when Megin came over it was awkward. At the end of the day you finally broke up with her and you got on the bus with the biggest smile ever! Later on that day we couldnt hang out because you were going to see your sister. But then you texted Erica and asked her to have me come outside because you wanted to see me before you left. And I did we walked wr kissed like five times  and you put your ipod in my shirt I wanted to hurt you and I asked why. You said because that's the only way we can talk. So u took it. Come to find out you put the password as 7007 the same password as mine was. Then April 28 came along thats When everything changed... You said youd hate to do it over facebook but you asked me out. I said yes of course. Then I wrote you that note in your ipod and honestly I dont know if you still have it. We had to hide our relationship an it was hard but we managed... Three days later you broke up with. Yeah I was a little sad but it was fine because I didn't really have feeling for you. Then BranDan Erica you Lorgia Bryce and I hung out. Haha then you were trying  win the bet that you can go a day without talking to me which you lost same with BranDan lol. Anyways everyone was walking faster then us we didnt even get to the store to get anything thats how slow we were being..then we all stopped and rested. BranDan told Erica he still liked her. And then Bryce and Lorgia left and BranDan and Erica were walking together and we were the slow ones that kept kissing and hugging and holding hands you put me on your shoulders you took your shirt off. Holy shit I melted. That night we had pillow fights water fight got to wear your clothes! We played hide and seek In the dark and you told me to lay on the coach with you and I did we tricked Erica for a little bit lol. Then I startd to laugh. Then we watched Megan Is Missing and what were we doing cuddling on the coach having kissing wars, you saying whoa whoa you unsnapping my bra then saying whoa whoa again. Or when you guys went  Ericas house on May 3 till three oclock in the morning and we were holding hands kissing you were playing catch with BranDan and Emery... Or talkin to my sister for the first time on the phone. Then May 6 holy shit so much happened that day. You were the one that was there for Erica and I when that shit went down with Tayler... You skipped class just for us. You seen me cry the first time I tried holdin it in I just couldnt.... you looked at me hugged me saying it makes me wanna cry when you cry.. You met my mom the first time and she loved you lol. Later that day Erica facetimed me and you and bryce was there. You kept writin something kn paper I asked you and you wouldnt tell me. Then you held up the notebook and it said Will you go out with me. On the different sheets. My fave turned red and I wrote back saying yes! We were dating again I was soo happy! Then I were your sweatshirt everyone was flipping but we didnt care. Then on May 7 you didnt come to school. I started thinking bad... later that night you told me we have to break up I was balling my eyes out. I knew I had feeling for you. But then you facetimed me saying.how stupid you were and how you let your mind take over. Telling me how much I mean and how.much you care for me. How much you didnt want to lose me. Then the third we broke up I lost it too we talked on the phone for about five hours.. June 6 was our one month! Then June 7 I went to your house. It was just me and you and It was amazing! Then theres the littliest memories like kissing in the halls telling me to get to class. Before my denist appts walking him to gym. Kissing you.. you telling me you dont want me to go. Me picking you up after school sitting in the back messing.around. me picking you up every morning getting to school so it would just be Eduardo and Katy time. The Times I stayed at your house. Walking talking telling each other our past. How much they were alike... or when I always stopped at your locker.. It's hard saying goodbye to you as a boyfriend because you weren't only that you were my best friend. We told each other a lot. I got attached to you easily. But you want to be friends now. It still hurts that we are over because I loved you.. well I still do... I told you that when I was worried about you that one night. Or hows you said " never had a summer girlfriend" and then you said that you want me to be that first girl... Or the first tome uou ever told me you got jealous.. Or all the times we teased each other... Or that "too hot" game that we played like five times and I always had to be the first ine to grab you... or everytime at the pingpong table yoh would always say I was disracting you thats why you kept losing. Or win I beat you and you said because you let me but in reality I was just better (: Theres so much to say I just don't know how to say it.. I hope this is really what you wanted this time...

Can't do this.

Its summer. I thought bout summer 2013 forever now and how amazing it will be. But it's not... I just feel like ending everything. My mom and dad don't help me. They make me stay home and don't let me do anything. I wanna hang out with friends that's it but they won't... So what do I do just stay in my room listen to music. Or I walk by myself. I'm alone everytime I stay home. When I go outside my dad said you shouldn't be wearing shorts. Why because I'm fat. Thank you dad ill just stop eating for a couple days or weeks... I really need to lose weight I am getting fat I want to be back to 90 lbs instead 110lbs. I hate myself that I'm letting myself weigh more then 100 trust me dad you don't need to remind me everyday... Mostly every night he says something that I just ball my eyes out too... and my mom just sits there and does nothing... sometimes I wonder if their life would be easier without me.. if I just go away forever...  Sometimes I wish that my sister didn't stop me from suicide in seventh grade... I just don't know what to do... they're getting worse and worse and I'm getting more depressed. I lie to the people I love saying nothing wrongs because I don't want them to say sorry. I hate when people are sorry for me. If they read this then they'll know how I feel if they don't then they'll just keep wondering... I just feel like giving up I'm not strong as people think I am I have fresh cuts.. I feel like if that one person knew that I still cut it'll change his mind about me and he'll leave.. Trust me him and my best friend are the two that are actually keeping me alive right now.. I don't want to lose them... but I gotta tell him I still cut I can't keep it from him... I just don't know how too... I'm just a teenager I shouldn't be this depressed... I'm lost and its dark and I'm losing from suicide...

Time for a change((:

Everything happens for a reason! We are drifting no one stays friends forever. Its time to make a change and start a new chapter and start looking for new friends. Everyone changes and everyone is changing but thats what life does it could be for the best or the worse. It feels like I have more guy friends then girls.. But its whatever they are more crazier and perverted so I fit in there group well(: so for now im with the guys. Im done getting hit with drama everyday, being lied to, getting talked about, everything. Im a stay with the guys and call it good! Besides im myself, happy, crazy, everything with the guys. My mom even said you need better friends.. I said "what if im friends with guys instead" she said "its fine by me" Im not saying im going to stop being friends with my girls im just saying that im a slip away from them besides they dont need me. But its whatever(: my life is starting to look good! Call me a whore dont give a fuck!

-Katy Cilley
June.3.2013